The Grief I Bear on a Mid-Summer's Morning
poem by Michelle Murphy
There's no light peeking through the clouds this morning,
Just a slow drizzle of light everywhere and dew,
The bugs and birds aren't even making their music
Neither am I.
But I feel touched within my soul.
Yearning for days not too long ago,
I weep for the past and do not hope much
For the future. But I will - Soon enough.
For now, I remember those days, those people, those things,
And it stirs something inside of me.
A teardrop rolls down my cheek and my chest swells.
Good memories get mixed up with flashbacks of hellacious times.
Those times that bring me to this moment of mixed moods.
I yearn for what I can't have, but am starting to move on.
I honor the past, but almost seek a better way in the coming days ahead.
There's a glimmer of hope on the horizon this morning.
The only thing holding me back from joy is this pounding headache,
Made of heartache and intrusive thoughts that un-still my mind.
Yet death is part of life. And it can be a beautiful thing to not
Only imagine a reunion with those from our days past, but to
Know as a Christian it is a real thing. "Enough so" do I believe I will
Have a future of peace one day in Heaven, that I partially seek to
Move there myself. But hurting myself is not the best option.
And even "enough so" isn't enough because this temporary hell
I go through right now, seems as if it will never pass.
Is Heaven really the bright shining star I will see one day?
This mid-summer morning I process and wait.
Time is complex - more so than I ever imagined, slow
As it may be at times it is not only a curse but a blessing.
I will see beauty around me again. I will wait to see it again.
I think the birds are finally making music outside.
Psalm 23, Verse 4, "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me."
UMYF Benediction, Numbers 6, Verses 24-26
"May the Lord Bless You and Keep You
May the Lord Make His Face Shine Upon You
And be Gracious Upon You
May the Lord Lift His Countenance Upon You
And Give You Peace."
We can be going along in life in contentment, spending time with our loved ones, living in the moment and planning for the future. The security of this framework of living can come crashing down in a moment's notice, no matter how strong we are. When this occurs we can feel terrified and out-of-control. Life resets but we have to develop a new framework, all the while missing our loved ones who have passed or the life we once had before something major changed. Twice in my life I have lost nearly everything, but in due time I find a way to count my blessings again. That time period in-between can be gut-wrenching and we can feel like we are living in some sort of quasi-hell. This devotional is to honor someone I love very much who is gone from my life, yet I know I will see them again. I have intrusive thoughts of bad memories - memories of what happened to cause such a great loss, and that is normal. The number one thing I can say about women I admire is to "be OK" no matter what - being a strong woman is an important quality and I strive for it. "Wait for me. Love you. Miss you." is a message we often send our loved ones who we hope to see in heaven when we pass away. The moment of death and passing on is a beautiful thing for a Christian and during difficult times we may seek it with jealousy. God offers us comfort during times of grief. He knows our thoughts and He plans for our future. The poem above is an out-pouring of my feelings during a difficult period. Writing can be an essential way to process out difficult feelings. My message to those that are grieving - either the loss of a loved one, the loss of a job, or the loss of something you hoped for, is this: "peace be with you".
Dear God, When life turns upside down and I find myself grieving major losses in my life, my mind is troubled and my heart anxious. I appreciate the blessings that have come my way all throughout my life, including the inclination to be a strong woman. At times, however, I have coped with turmoil in unhealthy and self-destructive ways. I ask You for strength and peace in remembrance for what has happened recently. That is the best way I can think to honor those in my life that have passed. For me it is not about moving on, but pressing forward in a way that is healthy and admirable. Shine your light upon me and keep my footings firm - I want to be a "new woman", a "Godly woman" and a women that appreciates the blessings of this life. Life may never be the same, but it shall never be a curse. In Jesus Name. Amen.
The author can be reached at email@example.com.